Looking back on my post from last week, I discussed being afraid of not being able to care for myself hygienically. For me, this means bathing, wiping after the restroom, brushing my teeth, and tending to my hair. This scares me to the core because I’ve always been very independent, even from a young age, taking on household chores independently at 7 or 8 years old. My mom stopped doing my hair and having basic hygiene conversations at age 10, leaving me to have to figure out those things on my own. I think this is where my fear stems from; if I had to live with someone doing all my hygiene care for me, I would slowly start to feel dead but still breathing. Physically, I would start declining since I wouldn’t be using much of my muscles and energy to care for myself. Emotionally, I would be extremely sad to have to lie there while someone bathes me, watching them slowly start to see me as a burden. Socially, I think everyone would start to forget about me and treat me like furniture when they came to see me. Financially, depending on whether I end up in a nursing home or with a family member caring for me, it’s going to cost. With losing the ability to care for yourself, the medicines, doctor visits, and other items needed to care for someone are expensive. I would continue to think about how burdensome I would be at that point in the first few months of me losing my ability.
Considering my ideal life as an old adult and my problematic situation, I think my situation would completely change that image I have in my head about aging gracefully. I wouldn’t be as active or cooking all the time, or hanging out with my family as much. I wouldn’t want to be social anymore or have a life even; it would ruin the way I interact with the world since I’m so active.
Looking at the CARA model, there are a few generalized resistance resources that may assist me in managing my problematic situation, like having conversations with family about this fear well before the problems occur, staying active and up to date with medical appointments, and making sure I make healthy financial decisions so when the time comes I won’t feel like a financial burden on my family. Resilience to me in this situation would look like allowing myself to be taken care of, not giving up on life just because someone has to care for me, and not closing myself off from my family.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352013221000843
Your point about resilience stood out to me because accepting help does not mean giving up, it can be part of adapting to changes while still maintaining a meaningful life. I also like how you were able to connect the CARA model to practical resources, like staying active, maintaining health, communicating with family etc.
Your reflection is strong because you name the fear clearly and connect it to your past. You show how losing the ability to manage your own hygiene wouldn’t just be a physical change it would affect your independence, identity, and the way you’ve always taken care of yourself. You also explain well how this situation would impact you emotionally, socially, and financially, especially the fear of feeling like a burden.
Your description of how this would change your ideal older‑adult life is honest. You make it clear that being active, social, and engaged is part of who you are, and losing that would reshape your whole sense of aging gracefully.
Your use of the CARA model is thoughtful. You highlight realistic GRRs like talking with family early, staying active, keeping up with medical care, and planning financially. Your definition of resilience allowing yourself to be cared for, staying connected, and not shutting down shows real insight.
Your post stood out to me because many others have these thoughts in their mind as they grow older. I do think it is the state of mind we are at now that we can’t grasp losing our independence. However, there are people out in the world who came out the womb not being able to rely on their own body and need others help so it would take time to adapt to the change if it was to occur to us. Although this is a change that affects everyone around you if you are financially ready then that is one less thing to worry about and during this time having group therapy with those in the same situation could help with not feeling so much like a burden and a steppingstone for more positive thinking.
Your post helped me to understand how losing the ability to manage personal hygiene could feel like losing part of your identity, especially since you learned to care for yourself at such a young age. I also appreciated how you used the CARA model to identify practical resources, such as discussing your wishes with family, remaining physically active, attending medical appointments, and preparing financially. Even if assistance became necessary, person centered care could still allow you to make choices about your caregiver, routines, and the tasks you can continue doing independently.
Malaya,
I can hear the fear you have about being unable to complete what we call your ADLs – Activities of Daily Living – particularly related to personal hygiene. I give you tremendous credit for being willing to share this fear with us and talk about it directly. One of the things you might want to do is pull apart this fear and what condition you think will put you in that position. Also, I wasn’t sure if you were talking about living with family who would take on that burden or strangers.
I believe that virtually everyone fears this reality as they age and absolutely does not want to end up in this position. Who would want to? Many older adults, or others who don’t talk much about aging, have the “nursing home” picture. There are many older adults who think they will end up in a “nursing home,” so they don’t talk about what they would like as they enter their fourth chapter of life.
One thing I hear in many of your posts is the idea that aging is a switch you turn on. One minute you are living a totally independent life, and then the next minute you are old and totally dependent on someone else for all your hygiene. What happened in between? You briefly mention some GRRs you are thinking about, but it would have been interesting to hear more about how you might utilize them to assuage that fear.
Conversations are critical, and you mention how important they are. It might help to think about why they matter and what you’d want to talk about. I think the next two chapters in Cruikshank will help you expand your vision of why you have this fear and how you can make it less scary.
In terms of the article you chose, first, if you are using an article, you need to discuss it and talk about what you read and found important in it. Otherwise, what is the point, right? Second, if you had read it more closely, you would have found that it was a study done in China; the patients were in nursing home care, they were in either palliative care or cancer care, and they were all terminal. I suspect that wasn’t exactly the study you might have selected if you had looked more carefully. It is my sincere hope and expectation that your fourth chapter will include a whole lot of stuff long before you get to this study’s conclusion – and in this country, that may well not be where you would end up.
I hope you get a broader sense of the possibilities of your own aging as we read more and talk in our podcasts.
Dr P